Backbone 

I used to feel that my perspective was stupid and unimportant 
I thought, 
“She knows better”
“He knows better”
“They all know better than I”
So I stayed quiet 
afraid to have my own ideas
But to all of that
I say goodbye
I crumple up my smallness and my shame 
and throw them in the flames 
My good feeling fire grows higher and higher 
I’m ready to play a different game 
confidence is the name 
Bold and brave
Alive to the waves
It turns out
I have a lot to say. 

It took me a while
To grow a voice that could speak my mind
It took me a while to grow this backbone of mine

I used to be the perfect friend
The one that pretends
Trying to smooth everything out
couldn’t handle being honest

When I first spoke my own mind
My whole world felt like it was on fire
When I first spoke my own mind
It was like watching the old me die

A new woman was born
And she’d never felt so alive

A grown woman
Doesn’t need you to agree 
She resolves her rage by
Communicating clearly 
Resonant and eloquent 
Elegant and nasty
Just a little bit sassy
Unconventionally classy

(fracturing fragile realities 
With precision of feeling and vision)

If you’re looking for a lovely lady
Imma tell you now
You should keep one walking

It took me a while 
to grow eyes that could see myself 
It took me a while 
to grow eyes that could see everybody else

I used to be blind 
hiding behind 
simple stale stories 
and deep-rooted lies 

when I first opened my eyes 
the light was harsh 
when I first opened my eyes 
I was met by some ugly surprises 

for a moment I thought 
I’d rather stay blind.

It took me a while 
to really live inside my body 
It took me a while 
to express myself authentically

I used to get high
Makin hazy my life
So I could feel like 
The life I’d made was alright

When I met myself sober 
So many feelings wanted to talk 
When I met myself sober 
It’s like I picked up right where I left off

I rediscovered the Jill
I thought was long gone. 

Jill looks out for me 
Jill knows best for me
Jill is my leader
And Jill is my only follower 
I trust Jill to make the best decision
In every moment for me
She is blossoming into a new level of maturity
Weighing the consequences thoroughly 
She studies her values, principles, and history 
So she can choose quickly and easily 
(intuitively choosing easily)
compatible opportunities 

I have a big life
I have golden friends
I don’t have to pretend to be what I’m not 
These masks have fallen to the ground 
I watch them rot 

Instead of mirroring whoever is in front of me
And lingering till I feel they’re done with me
I show up with all my magic and personality 
Pouring calm elation into our shared reality 
leaving when it pleases me 
I breathe a sigh of relief
As I give a strong voice 
to my needs and beliefs 
And a strong movement to the energy that’s dancing me
Daring to live more transparently 

Because as a child and an adult, I worked to please endlessly 
Polite and high pitched in person
But in private...sad and angry 
“Why the fuck can’t I be me and let them see?!”
Well what if they don’t like me?
Not everyone’s gonna understand your beauty.
When your skin gets a little thicker, rejection isn’t so devastating.
A calloused heart isn’t so easily ripped apart
Doubt can’t creep in through thick skin
And if it does, it will encounter the fire within
And become fuel to strengthen

It’s okay if you don’t like what I like
Jill is my leader and Jill is my follower
It’s okay if you don’t wanna listen to the music
I do
Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo oooh

I was taught to trust authorities and the books I was reading
Receive 
Believe 
Receive
Agree 
Don’t think too much for yourself 
Or you might actually see
Some truth.

It took me a while to really think for myself
I started by reading all the books on the shelf
Absorbing what felt right to me and discarding everything else
It took me a while to think for myself
I started asking intelligent people for help